Jokes

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Permalink Reply by DeadPianoPlayer on September 3, 2008 at 7:17pm

Why did the tomato blush?

Because he saw the salad dressing

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Permalink Reply by DeadPianoPlayer on September 3, 2008 at 7:22pm

How many hip-hop heads does it take to screw in a light bulb?

3. one to screw in the light bulb and two to bitch about how the old one was so much better.

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Permalink Reply by I'm sitting in the dark playing with scotch tape. on September 3, 2008 at 9:25pm

what did the evil potato say before he was put in the oven?

curses, foiled again.

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Permalink Reply by Derek on September 12, 2008 at 11:22am

SEX FROGS
=========

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.

The sign says: "SEX FROGS - Only $20 each! Comes with 'complete' instructions!"

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her.
She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll TAKE one!"

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions!"

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise...NOTHING happens!

The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her door bell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the
instructions. But the damn frog just SITS there!"

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says:

"LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE .... MORE ... TIME!!!'

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Permalink Reply by Laurence on September 12, 2008 at 2:40pm

I like that one :D :P

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Permalink Reply by Laurence on September 12, 2008 at 2:07pm

If only everything in life could be as simple as an Iphone :P

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Permalink Reply by Derek on September 14, 2008 at 9:25pm

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complicated from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butter worth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jamima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never new how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.

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Permalink Reply by Jason_md2020 on September 15, 2008 at 3:42am

Ya know, they never went public with this, but I heard he liked to get baked on occasion. Or maybe that was just the Glaucoma...

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Permalink Reply by DeadPianoPlayer on September 14, 2008 at 10:12pm

What goes "99 clunk, 99 clunk, 99 clunk . . ."?

a centipede with a wooden leg :)

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Permalink Reply by I'm sitting in the dark playing with scotch tape. on September 15, 2008 at 8:12pm

since we've started giving Hurricanes male names why haven't we started calling them Himacanes?

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Permalink Reply by (tubejay) culture over aquisition on October 1, 2008 at 9:29pm

"what did the man at the fish market say to the roman guard?"

squid pro quo! (blame derek for this atrocity)

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Permalink Reply by DeadPianoPlayer on October 1, 2008 at 11:26pm

Biggest joke evah!

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